Learning to Be More Assertive

If you often feel that others are pushing you around, it's time to learn how to be assertive. Being assertive doesn't mean imposing your views on others. It doesn't mean being a bully. Nor does it mean always being right. Rather, being assertive means communicating effectively about your own needs in a respectful way that helps you find ways so both people's needs are taken seriously.

When you find yourself feeling as though you have to choose between someone else's needs and your own, try following these steps:

1. Practice active listening. Really hear the other person out and try to understand the feelings underlying his or her words. Concentrate on what the person is saying instead of thinking about how you'll respond. Take a moment to reflect on what's been said before you respond.
2. Build a bridge. Begin by restating what you think the other person has just said, in an effort to show the person that you have heard the message and understand the feelings behind it. For example, "I understand that you feel frustrated that I set the alarm earlier than you're used to so that I can exercise in the morning." You might also try rephrasing what you think the other person is saying as a question. "Do I hear you're feeling frustrated with being woken up earlier?"
3. Cross the bridge. Once you've developed an understanding of where the other person is coming from, it's time to state your own opinion or need. For example, "I want to be able to get up early because that's the best time for me to exercise, and getting regular exercise is important to me." Focus on your thoughts and feelings, and avoid making absolute, defensive, or accusatory statements.
4. Make requests and set limits. Once you and the other person understand each other, you can turn the discussion toward resolving the problem. Talk through the issue and be willing to come up with a compromise that meets both your needs. Perhaps you will discover some middle ground. For example, "Would you feel more comfortable with the alarm going off early if we both made an effort to go to bed earlier?"

It takes time and practice to learn to be more assertive, but it's worth it. Think of it as a path to a win-win situation!